On my own
In the last month or so I have reversed back to not being able to get on the tube on my own. I had been doing so well, I was almost taking in what I was actually reading on the tube. I was stopping my safety behaviours.
But then I got stuck on 3 seperate occasions where the power went out. On 3 seperate lines over a 2 week period. The last time after the power went out I was then stuck in a tunnel for 5-10min. I just couldn't do it anymore, I got too scared to be stuck on the tube on my own. Even if it was just a power outage I did not want to be down in that dark tunnel on my own. Too many dark, horrible memories.
So M has been fantastic and a few close friends, catching the tube with me, changing his journey to be with me. Friends egging me back on, even if only with them. When I couldn't be with someone I would get the bus or not go to work at all, working from home. I would avoid Central London on weekends.
Today however was different, M was working in North London, friends in my area were not around. It was either the bus (1.5hrs) or tube on my own. I went to bed late so got up late, so missed the opportunity of the bus. I thought of calling KCU friends but decided I had to do this. So I kissed M and told him I loved him and set off down the tube.
I grabbed a metro to try and distract myself. Luckily the tube wasn't packed either when it pulled up. There were two guys with a spare seat in between them so I sat there, in the comfort of two burley men beside me! We set of, everything was going ok, I was pushing myself in my mind. Then after Holloway Road we kept stopping in the tunnel. A few trains in front had an incident so we were being held up. I kept wishing the tube not to stop in the tunnel and it did a few times but I pushed the bad thoughts away. I even thought one of the men beside me was going to get off before my stop. I was going to tell him not to leave me!!!
Finally arriving a Holborn, I made it! On my own! YAY! I text M, he replied, 'Well done Bumble Bee!' It was hard, the anxiety was strong but I managed, I have to keep doing it, it has to get easier. Fingers crossed now for the homeward journey.
x
But then I got stuck on 3 seperate occasions where the power went out. On 3 seperate lines over a 2 week period. The last time after the power went out I was then stuck in a tunnel for 5-10min. I just couldn't do it anymore, I got too scared to be stuck on the tube on my own. Even if it was just a power outage I did not want to be down in that dark tunnel on my own. Too many dark, horrible memories.
So M has been fantastic and a few close friends, catching the tube with me, changing his journey to be with me. Friends egging me back on, even if only with them. When I couldn't be with someone I would get the bus or not go to work at all, working from home. I would avoid Central London on weekends.
Today however was different, M was working in North London, friends in my area were not around. It was either the bus (1.5hrs) or tube on my own. I went to bed late so got up late, so missed the opportunity of the bus. I thought of calling KCU friends but decided I had to do this. So I kissed M and told him I loved him and set off down the tube.
I grabbed a metro to try and distract myself. Luckily the tube wasn't packed either when it pulled up. There were two guys with a spare seat in between them so I sat there, in the comfort of two burley men beside me! We set of, everything was going ok, I was pushing myself in my mind. Then after Holloway Road we kept stopping in the tunnel. A few trains in front had an incident so we were being held up. I kept wishing the tube not to stop in the tunnel and it did a few times but I pushed the bad thoughts away. I even thought one of the men beside me was going to get off before my stop. I was going to tell him not to leave me!!!
Finally arriving a Holborn, I made it! On my own! YAY! I text M, he replied, 'Well done Bumble Bee!' It was hard, the anxiety was strong but I managed, I have to keep doing it, it has to get easier. Fingers crossed now for the homeward journey.
x
posted by Bumble Bee at 11:28 AM
6 Comments:
Well done indeed BB! As someone who hasn't ventured onto a tube train yet, you are so brave.
Mitch
well done well done!....so happy for you...hxx
Hi i just saw your last comment on rachels blog and I was intrigued by your nom de plume so i thought i would come over. I wasn't there on 7/7 but I have blogged quite a bit on, i definitely support the campaign for the enquiry. I did a post on that a while back. I've also blogged on the stuff in lebanon. Just wanted to say keep on trucking and don't let the bad guys get 2 u. Pippa
Thanks Pippa, my hubby gave me that lovely nom de plume. Some people now say it's very apt for me. Thanks for coming by and also for reporting on such trying times. x
thanx. It's a good one btw. The times are trying aren't they? In the past month there has been the 7/7 anniversary, the attacks on mumbai, the tsunami in Java, the crisis in gaza, the apparently "joke" G8 Where bush and blair covered themselves in so much glory........not and now the war in Lebanon. I feel compelled to write on all these things, I need to vent my opinion, but sometimes i just find it all too much hence my prospensity to dig up comedy clips from youtube. Blogs like your's, Rachels and Holly Finch's are inspiring btw. Pippa
come see us.
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