Wednesday, July 05, 2006

It's happened

Ok second time lucky. I wrote a whole entry and then it got lost in cyber space!

I am back there again, it's all I can think about. It's all I can do. I am having trouble sleeping, I cannot concentrate at work, I am tired, I am snappy.

In the back of my head I know it's not the same, I am not crying every day although I feel like it. I cried with the psychologist last week and I could have just continued but I have held it all back. I have held it back from work and from M and my friends. My fellow survivors know, we have all spoken about it and have written about it.

The anniversary is almost here and I cannot believe it's been a year. God the year has seen so much. I think every day about how I feel and then my mind turns to the bereaved. How must they feel? A year since they saw their loved one, laughed with them, hugged them. Can they believe it's been a year? My heart goes out to them as I am still here. I still write about my story and I am doing interviews.

I do them in the hope to reach out to others, with any kind of trauma. No one should be alone when they feel like this. If it helps one person find counselling or KCU then it has been worth it and I am one step closer to feeling less guilt and sadness.

I am glued to the BBC website. They have started writing stories about survivors and bereaved one year on, also about everyone's thoughts now on Muslims. Why do I keep reading it all? It's not helping. Work keeps entering my email inbox, I see it pile up but yet I sit on BBC and read other news forums and consume my thoughts with more 7/7 stories.

I am hoping Friday will be a time for me of reflection and peace. The day I feel will go by in a blur and I will sit at the end of it not feeling any different. I am away on the weekend with a fellow survivor; away at her parents cottage. I look forward to it I think more than Friday. As I know we will laugh and be there for eachother. I look forward to her and M being together and him seeing the great friend I have made through this horrible experience.

I found them in the darkness, we have laughed together, cried together, supported eachother and it is this that keeps me going. It is this that I organise Friday for, it is this that stops me from crying. The bonds now shared, the friendships now formed.

So to Friday...I hope it brings us all peace and comfort. I will stand beside my fellow KCU survivors at 8.50 and at 12pm for the 2min silence. We will support eachother, I will think of the day and how far we have come. I will wish for nothing like this to ever happen to anyone ever again. I will think of all suffers of terrorism and trauma.



Blogger steve said...

Just thought I would drop by to see how you're doing. Seems we are all feeling very similar. Hope Friday is not too stressful for you, will be thinking of everyone. I am actually in London from Thursday till Saturday, and if I do anything to mark the 7th I will go to Kings Cross at 8.50. If I decide to go I hope to see you there.

Take care,


11:43 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

It's the weather, the anniversary, the news, even the Olympic celebrations. It is all over the place and in my head all the time and so many other people's too. It will pass, I hope, I am sure it will pass, and meanwhile here is a hug
(( Bumblebee))

will give you a real one tomorrow.

10:20 AM  

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