I have been meaning to be a bit more positive in my posts however there is just one last sad thing that I need to touch on. I mentioned it before in my last post and it's about the anger I feel inside.
At my last psychologist meeting she advised that I should write a letter to the people I feel most angry at. God that is hard. If I think about it, there are a few. I don't know if I could do it, I guess it would be a positive step to take to try and release this anger from me and move into a more positive frame of mind.
Ok first of all I guess I am angry in some way at the bombers. Or is it just the whole of July 7th? I am not sure. Angry that it happened, Angry that someone thought this was the answer to get their point across, Angry that no one helped me in the aftermath, Angry that I am still dealing with this, Angry that there is no public enquiry, Angry that the government is not giving us answers and in the very least support, Angry that these thoughts will be with me forever, Angry that it has changed me and my life.
God now that I have started I think I could keep going for the next half hour. But i don't know if it will be effective. Will it give me release? Will it give me answers or the help I need? I know I need to get it out and deal with it but I am sick of having the thoughts go over and over and over in my mind.
I am angry at my father. Angry that he didn't talk to my mum or me for the first 3 days of my life - because I wasn't the boy he wanted, Angry that he wouldn't take any blame for my parents divorce, Angry that he made us supress our thoughts when growing up, Angry that he wouldn't let me see a psychologist after the severe car accident I was in with my mother, Angry that he used me as a pawn to try and get my mother back, Angry that he spat in my face, Angry that he wasn't a communicator, Angry that he expected others to change if they migrated to Australia but still after almost 50 years of him living there he doesn't change. Angry that he now knows I was in July 7th and hasn't called me.
I am angry that I can't bring myself to speak to him, to tell him all these thoughts. I haven't spoken to him in 3.5years. I think now (as I know how quickly life can end) that what if I never do. What if I get that call from sisters saying he passed away? How will I feel?
Through my psychologist meetings we have found that my negative thoughts on myself stem from my father. We were not allowed to have feelings and deal with them, not allowed to do bad things. If we got upset we couldn't talk about it. So this is why I couldn't deal with July 7th for so long, this is why M and I had problems last year. No communication.
But I broke the cycle, I will not be like my father and neither will my children. Communication and honesty is the key. Funny thing is I thought M was not supportive or didn't want to deal with me anymore at the end of last year. Since opening up and being honest with him our relationship has never been so great.
Reading over this now and thinking about it, is it really anger I feel? About July 7th and my father? I think it might be more dissapointment. In humanity that people think bombing is the answer and that my father will never change. Why can't you teach an old dog new tricks?
There are so many questions with no answers. Will there ever be a public enquiry to find out why? Will my dad ever realise he needs to take some blame? I'm tired now there are so many more thoughts, but maybe that is for tomorrow for the psychologist. Myself and 11 other survivors went to City Hall today to give our stories of July 7th and what can be learnt. It was a draining day but I think one we found successful. The assembly listened and were clearly bewildered by the stories they heard and what we have had to cope with on our own. I am so proud of my fellow survivors today. Well done - our first day to be heard!
Hopefully we can make a difference xx