How do I feel today
Today I am not sure how I feel. I have had such a mixture of emotions the last week. It all started with a play I went and saw last week on July 7th. I am still not sure how I feel about that play. Then I got sick and then on the weekend I spent pretty much on my own as M was working - relaxing, getting my hair done, checking out the gyms. Work has been getting more stressful this week, but then this morning I got on the tube and at the next stop a fellow traveller from July 7th, Holly, hoped on. And tonight, yes finally M and I are joining the gym! yes you read it here folks BumbleBee is going to get fit - well at least try ;-)
This morning was such a strange journey. I was so glad to see her as I always look out for her as she is the one I mention in my story of July 7th. The tall girl that can't see anything!! It was lovely to be together and chat but strange as we both made a conscious effort not to mention 'last time we were together on the tube ......' When we left Kings Cross silence fell on our conversation, what could we say but sit there together. I was shaking once I got out at my stop, glad to have finally finished that journey together but strange as it was done just like that. I sent her a text when I got out and we have been emailing eachother today and it's all I have been thinking about.
I am not sure where I am heading with this post. I think what I am trying to say is that in the last week I have thought about pulling away. As in stopping my meetings with my pyschologist, stopping reading the bbc website looking for more information on July 7th, stop reading my fellow KCU member blogs every day and stop reading our KCU emails. I think I've had enough of it all but I know so many others feel the same too. I guess I have to take it day by day, but last night was the first time in weeks that I have sat down and sobbed about it again. I'm not sure where all these feelings are coming from as I thought I was doing so well, laughing, seeing friends again and building my relationship back up with my husband.
But I guess as they say we will have highs and lows and this is just another low and it has hit hard because I haven't been here in awhile. And I know pulling away is not the answer as I will miss my new found friends.
I found this today and I like it:
Trials give you strength, sorrows give understanding and wisdom.
Chuck T. Falcon
hmm everything in life happens for a reason I say, this is my learning experience.
BBx
This morning was such a strange journey. I was so glad to see her as I always look out for her as she is the one I mention in my story of July 7th. The tall girl that can't see anything!! It was lovely to be together and chat but strange as we both made a conscious effort not to mention 'last time we were together on the tube ......' When we left Kings Cross silence fell on our conversation, what could we say but sit there together. I was shaking once I got out at my stop, glad to have finally finished that journey together but strange as it was done just like that. I sent her a text when I got out and we have been emailing eachother today and it's all I have been thinking about.
I am not sure where I am heading with this post. I think what I am trying to say is that in the last week I have thought about pulling away. As in stopping my meetings with my pyschologist, stopping reading the bbc website looking for more information on July 7th, stop reading my fellow KCU member blogs every day and stop reading our KCU emails. I think I've had enough of it all but I know so many others feel the same too. I guess I have to take it day by day, but last night was the first time in weeks that I have sat down and sobbed about it again. I'm not sure where all these feelings are coming from as I thought I was doing so well, laughing, seeing friends again and building my relationship back up with my husband.
But I guess as they say we will have highs and lows and this is just another low and it has hit hard because I haven't been here in awhile. And I know pulling away is not the answer as I will miss my new found friends.
I found this today and I like it:
Trials give you strength, sorrows give understanding and wisdom.
Chuck T. Falcon
hmm everything in life happens for a reason I say, this is my learning experience.
BBx
posted by Bumble Bee at 3:32 PM
5 Comments:
Hi Bumble Bee!
Hope you edged a bit closer to leaving all this behind by making your journey with Holly.
Sometimes these crappy days creep up on you when you don't expect it. On Monday 13th Feb I blogged that I was almost 100% back to normal, I felt great, and had done for weeks.
A few days later I got denial, it seems whenever I feel I'm leaving it behind, I distance myself from it and my mind says... "hang on, slow down, you know you did actually nearly die in a bomb don't you?". I did? nah it never happened, did it? It did! Crap, I was in it! Then shock.
On Thursday I actually had to ask someone if it was fiction or reality. It sounds so melodramtic, and I don't know why I get these feelings.
It seems when you feel great and your soaring away from it all, something grabs you and drags you back down for a bit, just as a reality check.
Did you find it helpful posting your account? I'm still undecided on mine.
Steve
Isn't it strange how we need to keep a routine from that day? When I took my first journey back on that route I had to sit in the exact seat and get on at Finsbury Park not my normal Arsenal.
Plus I never stand on the platform at Arsenal where I used to, as that would have put me in the middle of carriage 1.
It it good you saw Holly, routine makes things seem normal again, even in the strangest of situations.
I think a lot of people are trying to turn off from that day. It wears you down after a while. I hope some day everyone can turn it off.
Hey misses....really glad to have made that trip together again. There were 2 big differences this time....
1 we made it to Russell Square and beyond
2 this time around we are friends!
It all seems to have been more present for a lot of us recently and I too keep wanting / trying to pull away...but, as I blogged about the other day, it's easier said than done.
i have this horrible feeling that this is the build up to the anniversary starting already, I hope I'm wrong, but it really does feel like there's no escape from it all sometimes. That play and yestaerdays fun & games on the site, and seeing each other on the tube is bound to bring things up again. Just beacause you have bad days doesn't mean you're not getting better. Even though I didn't know you before you seem like a very different person now to the one I first met...so you are getting there...one step at a time, don't expect too much of yourself...you are only human....big hugs....friday tomorrow! xx
Thanks guys - you all always give me so much hope and inspiration. What will I do when I go home to Australia??!!
Love you all muchly
BBx
P.S. Steve I found writing my story very very helpful and a HUGE stepping stone. Putting it on my blog was hard but I find didn't give as much relief. I think I put it there just mainly a story for others.
x
you can blog from anywhere in the world!
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