Monday, March 06, 2006


Well I did the journey on Friday with my psychologist. I cried all the way through and I have never felt so sick. I have always had an issue over the last 8 mths that I have never really felt connected with the day. However on Friday I felt like I was straight back there again. I couldn't believe so much time had passed. Going through the spot in the tunnel was the first time I have cried there in months, it was horrible, then having to get back on tube to go back up to Kings Cross was even worse. Remembering the faces I saw the steps I took and looking back down the tunnel where I walked out. All I wanted to do was throw up. I was told that is the anxiety, think about my feelings and notice what is now different.
After it was all over I went to work and was thrust straight into work by my line manager. All I wanted to do was scream out at him and say 'do you not know where I have been?? What I have just done??' I had a head ache all day and felt sick.
Going through there again today on my way to work, felt weird. I feel proud of myself from Friday, facing my fears and accepting them however today I felt so upset. I guess it is left over feelings but I couldn't focus on anything. I said a prayer today, I felt I had too.
M and I have been going to the gym, 4 nights last week and then again tonight. Things are going great with us, we are talking better now than we ever have. And we are going away on Sunday.
But why do I still feel so crap? Obviously I am still dealing with my journey on Friday. Plus I have received alot of news articles, stories etc regarding terrorists, July 7th and our governments. I am starting to think I won't get over this last step until I leave to go back home in 5mths. How can I go on feeling like this for another 5mths?
I know it will pass and yes I am better than where I was at my lowest in November/December last year. Maybe I am angry that alot of people around me have moved on and they just can't see how much I am hurting inside. I finally told my assistant last week, where i have been going every Friday. She just looked at me in shock but I guess now has some understanding why I have my outbursts of irritation at work.
Sorry for the rambling, guess I am tired from the gym and want to get some thoughts out.
My goal over the next week is to point out the positives in my life. My first (and major one) is my husband M, I wouldn't be where I am, or who I am without him. His silent support and continuous encouragement gets me through each day. You make me smile and thanks for the flowers today. I love you.


Blogger Rachel said...

Well done, you are doing so well. Stay strong, if you can, when you can

And the gym: you are putting me to shame! 4 times!

I am going on Weds you have inspired

12:03 AM  
Blogger fjl said...

it's the people we love who get us through x

8:42 AM  
Blogger Holly Finch said...

4 times at the gym, kings cross revisited...and can you even ask whether that's progress?!! glad M is being such a tower of support...till thurs

10:00 AM  
Blogger steve said...

Give it another few days and the real benefits of doing your journey will kick in, you are definately getting there. Keep it up! I doubt this will last 5 mths, see you thursday, By the way I've got your no. just incase I do get stuck, thanks for that!


5:44 PM  
Blogger Bumble Bee said...

Thanks for all your support guys. I know it's just a little lull and have to appreciate all the good and positive things.
P.S. no probs Steve, just give me a call and I will come meet you for a bit.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Yorkshire Lass In London said...

Really well done for doing that. Big hug tomorrow x

5:37 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Well doen, that was brave. Bravery is when you are scared sick but you do it anyway, that to me is real courage.

x x x

2:05 PM  

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