Thursday, March 02, 2006

Enough already!

I can't take this yo yo ride I am on anymore. One day I am as happy as Larry the next I have hit rock bottom. And it takes something stupid, something small to bring you right back down again.
Sorry this entry might be hard for some to read ... so just a word of warning!
I went to my psychologist last week and for the first time in 3mths of sessions I didn't cry (well not properly!). thought I was doing well and told her so. However I felt there was this underlying message from her that maybe I wasn't, and the post I wrote about my friend questioning me last week has put doubt in my mind.
It has been on my mind all week, so last night I thought for the first time in ages I will look at the bbc website they have on 7th July. I made myself read and look at things I didn't want to and really shouldn't have. I then got stuck on the page of victims. I looked at them all, read their names and then just started sobbing, quietly on my own. It could have just as easily been me. The stories of people back home that didn't make it. That could have been me they were writing about. Then I thought 'well it's not' but I AM a victim. I don't think that has hit me yet, it's all still a dream to me. I don't really feel connected completely until I am in a packed tube and can't breath - only then do I believe that I was there.
I have another psychologist appointment tomorrow and she is meeting me at my tube station to do the journey to Kings Cross with her. Oh god, I hardly go to Kings Cross now if I can avoid it. Don't know if I want to go back there tomorrow, stand in the same spot where I was pulled up off the tracks, walk back up the same escalators where I couldn't breath, stand at the ticket hall where I sobbed uncontrollably, go out on the street where I feel into M's arms. But I will do it, it's got to make me stronger right? I'm so scared though.
I just want it to be over but it will be with me forever and it's something I have to accept. I'm still so angry, at what I am not sure. The bombers? The racisim now affecting our world? The violence now happening everywhere? Or am I angry at myself? For not having moved on, or for not accepting that has happened to me? Or is this the build up to the anniversary?


Blogger Holly Finch said...

all of those and more i am sure....we will get there honey & you will make it tomorrow, you might shake and weep, but you will feel better....i will be thinking of you & be with you in spirit...we made it through that day misses....and we have all found each are a survivor not a victim
hugs xx

2:50 PM  
Blogger steve said...

At one point I was worried that July 7th would plague me forever, it will stay with me forever. I can associate with the anger and not knowing what at, there is too much to process at once, but it will work it's way through in small chunks. I must admit, humanity does seem to be reaching for the self destruct button at the moment it is really scary, and I feel (maybe you do to) that I am helplessly stuck in the middle of it all not knowing where to turn.

I thought it was the build up to the anniversary to, the build up started on July 8th and never went away. I'm more bored and sick of the whole thing than anything else to be honest. We all need a break.

Good luck tomorrow,


5:35 PM  
Blogger Holly Finch said...

and...if you want to go and dance on the beach...let me can be arranged!...seriously hx

6:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Bumble Bee.
Just a message of encouragement. I went down the shutting the problem away route. Not dealing with it. It took me 30 yrs to return to the scene. I can say that I was wrong and should have faced it yrs ago. I know that it is you who is facing your journey tomorrow not me. I want to say to you, that you are strong and your strength is an insperation to others like me who have not been as brave as you. The BBC 7/7 news brings out the tears in many of us, I think that it is a sign of our humanity-I hope.
I and will be with you in spirit in the morning. Dont do anything you dont want to, Good luck girl.

11:43 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Good luck honey.
Take back your journey. You will have so many people invisibly at your side wishing you encouragement and wishign you well xxx

7:40 AM  
Blogger fjl said...

I agree with Holly. Don't let the pschologist depress you. I have a psychology qualification ( BSc). One of many I am queen clever :0). I get abit annoyed when I see some colleagues etc. telling people 'Look sharp, you might be a depressed victim.' I think to myself, hhmmm, haven't you got any clients this week? Or something? You survived Bumble; and you have a life- which is more than you can say for some medics. :-) Don't be disheartened. Your life is left for you to enjoy. You do need to take care of yourself alot though.

9:00 AM  

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