Friends
Well since my last post, I am still having the same feelings. Feel like pulling away but knowing that is not the answer. Wanting to find that switch that turns it all off but know I am the only one that can work through this in my head.
I went out to dinner with two female friends on Thursday night. We are trying to make this a regular occurance, as we have been friends over here for so long but don't meet up with eachother enough. Had a great dinner as we always do, chatting, laughing, never a moments silence. One of them just got engaged so of course we were 3 excited woman chatting about dresses, weddings and rings. Dinner finished and one of the friends B decided she wanted another drink so her and I headed over to the pub. Well I now find out that was under pretence.
She got me a bit more merry and then hit with the question 'how am I feeling?' B says she has been worried about me and believes I am not facing my feelings. I saw her the day after July 7th and I didn't realise but I apparently told her that whole story that day, what went on down in that dark tunnel. I thought I hadn't told anyone. And she has saved it all in her head, everything I have ever said since and how I have been since. It amazed me. How can this one person, who I know is my friend, have so much worry and feeling for me? I was shocked. She wants me to tell my story to her again and talk to her anytime. How can I? Why do people want to know? I know the answer, she is a great friend and is worried about me. Actually I would almost consider her my best friend over here now after Thursday. (I never thought I had one here, thought they were back in Australia) I know I can trust her and I know I should open up but it's so hard and very emotional. I started crying over our drinks and said I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I'm sick of talking about it, but yet it goes on.
I told my psychologist this on Friday and she seems to think it would be good to chat to someone about it that is outside my bubble - KCU, psychologist, M. I would like to and maybe I will sometime soon but when the time is right. I guess it is hard opening up to someone when everyone outside of KCU hasn't known how to handle it or what to say. M in particular still finds it hard but I know he tries to listen, it's hard for him. He told me while he was very drunk on Friday night that 'he wasn't there to protect me, that he would do anything to stop me from getting hurt!' I know this to be true but I wish he would let go off his guilt - he says he isn't guilty but I know sometimes he wishes he had been on the train with me - what could he have done?? God so many thoughts and feeling there I could go on for hours. We have both come a long way in the last few months.
On Friday night I also had a work buddy tell me 'that he believes I should concentrate on getting better'. Said he knows I am still not over it but in time things will heal.
Oh god where has this all come from? The last person at work I expect to say something but he comes out with this.
How do I feel now when two people in two days say 'they know I am not coping, and should open up more to deal with it?' Well sad as I thought I was doing well but happy to know that people are thinking of me when I thought no one was.
As I look out the window I imagine little me, alone in this big wide world. But I know I am not, even though people don't say it every day I now know I have huge support from my friends.
How lucky I am and I will thank God every day for these kind souls.
x
I went out to dinner with two female friends on Thursday night. We are trying to make this a regular occurance, as we have been friends over here for so long but don't meet up with eachother enough. Had a great dinner as we always do, chatting, laughing, never a moments silence. One of them just got engaged so of course we were 3 excited woman chatting about dresses, weddings and rings. Dinner finished and one of the friends B decided she wanted another drink so her and I headed over to the pub. Well I now find out that was under pretence.
She got me a bit more merry and then hit with the question 'how am I feeling?' B says she has been worried about me and believes I am not facing my feelings. I saw her the day after July 7th and I didn't realise but I apparently told her that whole story that day, what went on down in that dark tunnel. I thought I hadn't told anyone. And she has saved it all in her head, everything I have ever said since and how I have been since. It amazed me. How can this one person, who I know is my friend, have so much worry and feeling for me? I was shocked. She wants me to tell my story to her again and talk to her anytime. How can I? Why do people want to know? I know the answer, she is a great friend and is worried about me. Actually I would almost consider her my best friend over here now after Thursday. (I never thought I had one here, thought they were back in Australia) I know I can trust her and I know I should open up but it's so hard and very emotional. I started crying over our drinks and said I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I'm sick of talking about it, but yet it goes on.
I told my psychologist this on Friday and she seems to think it would be good to chat to someone about it that is outside my bubble - KCU, psychologist, M. I would like to and maybe I will sometime soon but when the time is right. I guess it is hard opening up to someone when everyone outside of KCU hasn't known how to handle it or what to say. M in particular still finds it hard but I know he tries to listen, it's hard for him. He told me while he was very drunk on Friday night that 'he wasn't there to protect me, that he would do anything to stop me from getting hurt!' I know this to be true but I wish he would let go off his guilt - he says he isn't guilty but I know sometimes he wishes he had been on the train with me - what could he have done?? God so many thoughts and feeling there I could go on for hours. We have both come a long way in the last few months.
On Friday night I also had a work buddy tell me 'that he believes I should concentrate on getting better'. Said he knows I am still not over it but in time things will heal.
Oh god where has this all come from? The last person at work I expect to say something but he comes out with this.
How do I feel now when two people in two days say 'they know I am not coping, and should open up more to deal with it?' Well sad as I thought I was doing well but happy to know that people are thinking of me when I thought no one was.
As I look out the window I imagine little me, alone in this big wide world. But I know I am not, even though people don't say it every day I now know I have huge support from my friends.
How lucky I am and I will thank God every day for these kind souls.
x
posted by Bumble Bee at 5:34 PM
3 Comments:
oooh...brough tears to my eyes.
you are doing nothing wrong misses, you are doing so well. it is really touching that your friends and colleagues are noticing and offering you support and really you should take it from wherever it is offered. look at the positives, you have found you have true friends when you thought they were all back in oz.
as for M, be gentle on him. he is a man (an australian one at that!), his natural instinct is to look after and to protect you. i'm sure he's feeling huge guilt that, not only was he not there, but he stepped off the tube and left you moments before it happened, no wonder it's hard for him to listen to you when you try to talk about it. no matter how much you tell him not to feel guilty he will.
this will be with you for ever, it will get less painful, but it will become part of who you are. if you don't want to pull away then don't. pulling away will not make it go away, it will just bury it and who knows when it will re surface. there is never any harm in talking, it can only do you good and help your brain process it, so talk away my dear, and if your friend wants to listen then tell her too. it will help her to understand and she will feel better able to support you.
i know it's tedious and boring, i feel the same, just want to be able to switch it all off, but we need to confront it, we need to understand it and we need to talk about it, as much as we like!
big hug my dear...missed you on the tube this morning, could've done with a bit of company! big big hug, you are a star!
hxxx
It's great you have these people around you, even if it does feel a bit odd. Just go with it, you're very lucky to have these people there at this time.
I am getting utterly bored and sick of the whole thing, I hope it's the final steps to getting back to "normality" ...whatever that is.
And yes I will be down on the 9th, see you then I hope.
Steve
hey BB...i hear there is a new KCU blogger...that lone soul from carriage 4!...can you link her or send me her url so i can find her?
hope you are well....bit worse for wear myself...as you can see from the time!!
hxx
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