Thursday, July 13, 2006

On my own

In the last month or so I have reversed back to not being able to get on the tube on my own. I had been doing so well, I was almost taking in what I was actually reading on the tube. I was stopping my safety behaviours.

But then I got stuck on 3 seperate occasions where the power went out. On 3 seperate lines over a 2 week period. The last time after the power went out I was then stuck in a tunnel for 5-10min. I just couldn't do it anymore, I got too scared to be stuck on the tube on my own. Even if it was just a power outage I did not want to be down in that dark tunnel on my own. Too many dark, horrible memories.

So M has been fantastic and a few close friends, catching the tube with me, changing his journey to be with me. Friends egging me back on, even if only with them. When I couldn't be with someone I would get the bus or not go to work at all, working from home. I would avoid Central London on weekends.

Today however was different, M was working in North London, friends in my area were not around. It was either the bus (1.5hrs) or tube on my own. I went to bed late so got up late, so missed the opportunity of the bus. I thought of calling KCU friends but decided I had to do this. So I kissed M and told him I loved him and set off down the tube.

I grabbed a metro to try and distract myself. Luckily the tube wasn't packed either when it pulled up. There were two guys with a spare seat in between them so I sat there, in the comfort of two burley men beside me! We set of, everything was going ok, I was pushing myself in my mind. Then after Holloway Road we kept stopping in the tunnel. A few trains in front had an incident so we were being held up. I kept wishing the tube not to stop in the tunnel and it did a few times but I pushed the bad thoughts away. I even thought one of the men beside me was going to get off before my stop. I was going to tell him not to leave me!!!

Finally arriving a Holborn, I made it! On my own! YAY! I text M, he replied, 'Well done Bumble Bee!' It was hard, the anxiety was strong but I managed, I have to keep doing it, it has to get easier. Fingers crossed now for the homeward journey.


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Trying to move on

Well Friday just went by in a blur; much as I thought it would. I was up at 6.30am and not home till 10pm. Such a full and emotional day, however I had the support of my new friends; my fellow travelers; my lovely husband and a dear friend, B.
I felt so numb in the morning standing at Kings Cross with about 20 others. We said some prayers and read the names but I couldn't cry or feel any emotion. I was shocked that a year ago at that time I thought I was going to die. It was surreal. As we then left to lay flowers at a church nearby I got a text from my mum in Australia. Telling me how much she loved and missed me and was thinking of me. Well the tears from that point on came and went all day.
During the 2min silence I stood with my fellow survivors near Tavistock square. We had 20 helium balloons for each person on our train which we then let go at the end of the silence, that for me was so moving, a show that we will never forget them and they will always be in our hearts.
At the end of the day more of us gathered together in Regents Park. What a moving ceremony that was. Some of the bereaved got up to read poems, I don't know how they did it, I was in blubbering tears through the whole thing. Crying for me, for my friends in KCU, for the bereaved and for all who are affected by terrorism in this world. M sat there so lovingly through the whole thing holding my hand. He was holding back the tears, being strong for me. Thank you so much baby for being there, it meant the world to have you by my side.
M and I then ended the day together at our favourite Chinese restaurant near home. It felt right having it just him and I, talking and reflecting, thinking positive for the future.

I then went away for the weekend with M and Holly. It was lovely. We did absolutely nothing but sleep, eat, drink and walk on the beach. I so didn't want to come back to London on Monday. It was such a bolt back to reality.

I am trying to move on and be positive but it is hard. I am going through a wave of emotions from numbness then to tears. Then the bombings happened in India. What is this world coming to? I have this strong feeling that things will get worse before it gets any better and that makes me so scared and sad. Why do people think senseless killing is the answer? I wish I had the answer to be able to reach these people before they decide to strap bombs to themselves. Do they really believe doing this will make them martyrs?

A promise I made a few months ago, was to live each day in the memory of my fellow travelers that didn't make it out on July 7th. To be positive and to move forward, I am trying and I know I will find it eventually. The support of KCU, M, family and friends is making sure I reach that. I wish the same messages could be passed to those committing senseless crimes.


Wednesday, July 05, 2006

It's happened

Ok second time lucky. I wrote a whole entry and then it got lost in cyber space!

I am back there again, it's all I can think about. It's all I can do. I am having trouble sleeping, I cannot concentrate at work, I am tired, I am snappy.

In the back of my head I know it's not the same, I am not crying every day although I feel like it. I cried with the psychologist last week and I could have just continued but I have held it all back. I have held it back from work and from M and my friends. My fellow survivors know, we have all spoken about it and have written about it.

The anniversary is almost here and I cannot believe it's been a year. God the year has seen so much. I think every day about how I feel and then my mind turns to the bereaved. How must they feel? A year since they saw their loved one, laughed with them, hugged them. Can they believe it's been a year? My heart goes out to them as I am still here. I still write about my story and I am doing interviews.

I do them in the hope to reach out to others, with any kind of trauma. No one should be alone when they feel like this. If it helps one person find counselling or KCU then it has been worth it and I am one step closer to feeling less guilt and sadness.

I am glued to the BBC website. They have started writing stories about survivors and bereaved one year on, also about everyone's thoughts now on Muslims. Why do I keep reading it all? It's not helping. Work keeps entering my email inbox, I see it pile up but yet I sit on BBC and read other news forums and consume my thoughts with more 7/7 stories.

I am hoping Friday will be a time for me of reflection and peace. The day I feel will go by in a blur and I will sit at the end of it not feeling any different. I am away on the weekend with a fellow survivor; away at her parents cottage. I look forward to it I think more than Friday. As I know we will laugh and be there for eachother. I look forward to her and M being together and him seeing the great friend I have made through this horrible experience.

I found them in the darkness, we have laughed together, cried together, supported eachother and it is this that keeps me going. It is this that I organise Friday for, it is this that stops me from crying. The bonds now shared, the friendships now formed.

So to Friday...I hope it brings us all peace and comfort. I will stand beside my fellow KCU survivors at 8.50 and at 12pm for the 2min silence. We will support eachother, I will think of the day and how far we have come. I will wish for nothing like this to ever happen to anyone ever again. I will think of all suffers of terrorism and trauma.