Anger

I have been meaning to be a bit more positive in my posts however there is just one last sad thing that I need to touch on. I mentioned it before in my last post and it's about the anger I feel inside.

At my last psychologist meeting she advised that I should write a letter to the people I feel most angry at. God that is hard. If I think about it, there are a few. I don't know if I could do it, I guess it would be a positive step to take to try and release this anger from me and move into a more positive frame of mind.

Ok first of all I guess I am angry in some way at the bombers. Or is it just the whole of July 7th? I am not sure. Angry that it happened, Angry that someone thought this was the answer to get their point across, Angry that no one helped me in the aftermath, Angry that I am still dealing with this, Angry that there is no public enquiry, Angry that the government is not giving us answers and in the very least support, Angry that these thoughts will be with me forever, Angry that it has changed me and my life.

God now that I have started I think I could keep going for the next half hour. But i don't know if it will be effective. Will it give me release? Will it give me answers or the help I need? I know I need to get it out and deal with it but I am sick of having the thoughts go over and over and over in my mind.

I am angry at my father. Angry that he didn't talk to my mum or me for the first 3 days of my life - because I wasn't the boy he wanted, Angry that he wouldn't take any blame for my parents divorce, Angry that he made us supress our thoughts when growing up, Angry that he wouldn't let me see a psychologist after the severe car accident I was in with my mother, Angry that he used me as a pawn to try and get my mother back, Angry that he spat in my face, Angry that he wasn't a communicator, Angry that he expected others to change if they migrated to Australia but still after almost 50 years of him living there he doesn't change. Angry that he now knows I was in July 7th and hasn't called me.

I am angry that I can't bring myself to speak to him, to tell him all these thoughts. I haven't spoken to him in 3.5years. I think now (as I know how quickly life can end) that what if I never do. What if I get that call from sisters saying he passed away? How will I feel?

Through my psychologist meetings we have found that my negative thoughts on myself stem from my father. We were not allowed to have feelings and deal with them, not allowed to do bad things. If we got upset we couldn't talk about it. So this is why I couldn't deal with July 7th for so long, this is why M and I had problems last year. No communication.

But I broke the cycle, I will not be like my father and neither will my children. Communication and honesty is the key. Funny thing is I thought M was not supportive or didn't want to deal with me anymore at the end of last year. Since opening up and being honest with him our relationship has never been so great.

Reading over this now and thinking about it, is it really anger I feel? About July 7th and my father? I think it might be more dissapointment. In humanity that people think bombing is the answer and that my father will never change. Why can't you teach an old dog new tricks?

There are so many questions with no answers. Will there ever be a public enquiry to find out why? Will my dad ever realise he needs to take some blame? I'm tired now there are so many more thoughts, but maybe that is for tomorrow for the psychologist. Myself and 11 other survivors went to City Hall today to give our stories of July 7th and what can be learnt. It was a draining day but I think one we found successful. The assembly listened and were clearly bewildered by the stories they heard and what we have had to cope with on our own. I am so proud of my fellow survivors today. Well done - our first day to be heard!

Hopefully we can make a difference xx

Life is Precious

So many thoughts going through my head right now I am having trouble processing them all.

I have just got back from a week away with M to Morocco. We had a fantastic time, so relaxing and definately what I needed. 26 degrees every day and not a cloud in the sky. We went sightseeing in the morning then lazed by the pool in the afternoon. We haven't had a holiday like that in 2years.

We are booking alot of trips now, to make up for the 6mths at the end of last year when we really didn't go anywhere and because we are heading home in about 5mths. I can't believe that this time next year my life will be so different. I often think back to how my life was before July 7th.

My main feeling at the moment is anger. At so many things that I can't put it all together, but I will write about that in another post. However the main bit of anger I have felt since my trip and now since watching' The Child Who's Older than Her Grandmother' tonight is how I am not appreciating how precious life is and how much I have.

In Morocco there is still so much poverty, I really didn't think people still lived like that. I got so sad. We took a trip up to the Atlas Mountains and visited a Berber Village (berber's are types of Moroccans). In this village we visited a typical berber home. the house made of mud & brick, no windows, no running water. They had electricty and satelite tv but it was all so basic. No kitchens like we have, just a little concrete oven on the floor that they light with fire. No wardrobes full of clothes, no nic nacs. I got so sad and emotional but hade to hold it back as the family was there. We gave them some money as we left to thank them for letting us visit, we were told to give about 40-50 dirhams - about £5-6. The smile on the daughters face when I gave it to her was like I gave her the world! That will probably feed the family for a few weeks.

I ask M how can they live like that? He answers, 'they don't know any better'. and you know what they are happy. They are healthy, have a roof and a happy family. They don't have to rush to get to work by 9am, no urgent deadlines, no hussle & bussle, no unsatisfying customers to please. The father probably works as a carpenter and either walks to work or takes the family donkey. The mother goes down to the river every day to collect their veges etc from their patch and they make rugs to sell at the local markets. they don't want some high pressured, high business job.

Tonight the program on 'The Child Who's Older than Her Grandmother' made me sob. It was about a young girl who suffers from a rare ageing disease. She was 6 years old and her body was older than her grandparents. But she was the happiest and brightest child you could meet. The things she would say made me laugh. (Oh to be a child again!) She is obviously starting to realise what is happening to her but has not a care in the world. Was really enjoying and relishing life.

So these people you would normally look at and think they should be sad and not appreciate life, yet they are the happiest. Happy with their lot and enjoying it. I have so much in my life and so much to look forward to, yet for the last 3 weeks I have had sadness and anger always in the back of my mind. Bringing me down, dragging me along. I should be grateful that I am still alive and survived July 7th and I am. So why is this anger and sadness still lingering?

I know some people reading this will think I should just get over it, look at what I have compared to the people I have written about. How ungrateful I am. I am appreciative and know I am lucky. I say this yet do I really believe it in my head? I have to get over this anger. At what though I am not quite sure, so many things. Like I said though that is for another post. Maybe tomorrow.

So for now... I have a fantastic husband, i'm healthy, I have a job (even if I don't like it!), I have a roof over my head, I have a family that loves me, and I have fantastic friends that I have made from July 7th. So this is my little note that is now written on a yellow post it note and is going to be stuck in my handbag. I will pull it out when i feel down, lately alot on the tube and remind myself - life is precious.
x

Progress...????

Well I did the journey on Friday with my psychologist. I cried all the way through and I have never felt so sick. I have always had an issue over the last 8 mths that I have never really felt connected with the day. However on Friday I felt like I was straight back there again. I couldn't believe so much time had passed. Going through the spot in the tunnel was the first time I have cried there in months, it was horrible, then having to get back on tube to go back up to Kings Cross was even worse. Remembering the faces I saw the steps I took and looking back down the tunnel where I walked out. All I wanted to do was throw up. I was told that is the anxiety, think about my feelings and notice what is now different.
After it was all over I went to work and was thrust straight into work by my line manager. All I wanted to do was scream out at him and say 'do you not know where I have been?? What I have just done??' I had a head ache all day and felt sick.
Going through there again today on my way to work, felt weird. I feel proud of myself from Friday, facing my fears and accepting them however today I felt so upset. I guess it is left over feelings but I couldn't focus on anything. I said a prayer today, I felt I had too.
M and I have been going to the gym, 4 nights last week and then again tonight. Things are going great with us, we are talking better now than we ever have. And we are going away on Sunday.
But why do I still feel so crap? Obviously I am still dealing with my journey on Friday. Plus I have received alot of news articles, stories etc regarding terrorists, July 7th and our governments. I am starting to think I won't get over this last step until I leave to go back home in 5mths. How can I go on feeling like this for another 5mths?
I know it will pass and yes I am better than where I was at my lowest in November/December last year. Maybe I am angry that alot of people around me have moved on and they just can't see how much I am hurting inside. I finally told my assistant last week, where i have been going every Friday. She just looked at me in shock but I guess now has some understanding why I have my outbursts of irritation at work.
Sorry for the rambling, guess I am tired from the gym and want to get some thoughts out.
My goal over the next week is to point out the positives in my life. My first (and major one) is my husband M, I wouldn't be where I am, or who I am without him. His silent support and continuous encouragement gets me through each day. You make me smile and thanks for the flowers today. I love you.
xx

Enough already!

I can't take this yo yo ride I am on anymore. One day I am as happy as Larry the next I have hit rock bottom. And it takes something stupid, something small to bring you right back down again.
Sorry this entry might be hard for some to read ... so just a word of warning!
I went to my psychologist last week and for the first time in 3mths of sessions I didn't cry (well not properly!). thought I was doing well and told her so. However I felt there was this underlying message from her that maybe I wasn't, and the post I wrote about my friend questioning me last week has put doubt in my mind.
It has been on my mind all week, so last night I thought for the first time in ages I will look at the bbc website they have on 7th July. I made myself read and look at things I didn't want to and really shouldn't have. I then got stuck on the page of victims. I looked at them all, read their names and then just started sobbing, quietly on my own. It could have just as easily been me. The stories of people back home that didn't make it. That could have been me they were writing about. Then I thought 'well it's not' but I AM a victim. I don't think that has hit me yet, it's all still a dream to me. I don't really feel connected completely until I am in a packed tube and can't breath - only then do I believe that I was there.
I have another psychologist appointment tomorrow and she is meeting me at my tube station to do the journey to Kings Cross with her. Oh god, I hardly go to Kings Cross now if I can avoid it. Don't know if I want to go back there tomorrow, stand in the same spot where I was pulled up off the tracks, walk back up the same escalators where I couldn't breath, stand at the ticket hall where I sobbed uncontrollably, go out on the street where I feel into M's arms. But I will do it, it's got to make me stronger right? I'm so scared though.
I just want it to be over but it will be with me forever and it's something I have to accept. I'm still so angry, at what I am not sure. The bombers? The racisim now affecting our world? The violence now happening everywhere? Or am I angry at myself? For not having moved on, or for not accepting that has happened to me? Or is this the build up to the anniversary?